With the theme of the gift of another year… I have to say, it’s been an interesting week deciphering the emotions of being in my mid-20s. If you are there, or starting your 20s, or heading into your 30s, I think it’s clear that often it’s a time to reflect on the years we have lived. As the day of turning 25 came around… I took a deep breath and realised that my life had very little to do with what I wanted. But EVERYTHING to do with God.
You’re probably wondering what I mean by this, and I’ll explain…
Since I was a young child, I have always had the dream of becoming an artist, studying both business and visual art to one day open my own art gallery. But God quickly changed this desire when I realised the idea of art becoming anything more than a hobby would no longer satisfy. So… I made the uncomfortable choice in taking a gap year and once again, I felt like a social misfit. But, if I had known what I know now, I probably would have just told myself, “You might as well remain the misfit, because you actually always were and always will be, and do you know what? That’s actually a good thing. We were never meant to go with the flow… the same stream as everyone else. We are called to more, and being different isn’t a bad thing… It's actually a way we get to the end of ourselves and realise God is greater than the social standards the world has brainwashed us to believe.
So, continuing with the story, I knew my life was no longer in my hands… so I decided to do something completely different and volunteer for some time. God used that time in my life to show me that my life was worth nothing if I wasn’t sharing the most important thing in my life with those around me, whether they knew Jesus or not, they soon would realise that God changed mine. They would see that any joy, hope, or light that they saw within me was and is only because of Him. Anything that was good was Him, and since then He has slowly been changing my life more and more as I surrender to Him in the every day.
So, long story short, I went into full-time ministry life for over two years, sharing my faith. If there is one major thing I learnt during this time is that He always gives the words to say at just the moment they are needed. He showed me that my dependence needed to be on Him if I wanted to be used by Him. If I’m honest, I look back at those years and think about how I felt: at the top of the world, at the highest point of fulfilment, and really, living my dream. I fulfilled and lived my dream. Not many can say that and that reminds me of how blessed I am.
So when the end of 2024 came, and I was starting to notice the signs of burnout, which really came through the form of a mental breakdown, I wondered to myself, what was the point? What have I done? I have failed not only myself, but others and God. I was burnt out, not because of ministry or one specific thing, but because of emotional exhaustion… Of not letting go… of not letting God!
So I stepped back, I went home to family and took the time not only to rest, but to recover and to heal. To let God heal the parts of me that I wasn’t able to let go of. What I thought was going to only be a month or two quickly became me saying, “I’m not ready to go back, I’m not ready to leave home… I’m just as depleted and exhausted as when I first left.” So, a few months turned into six months, turned into resigning and moving back home permanently. This was a sad moment to leave the ministry closest to my heart but I knew God's timing was everything. If you ever wondered what it feels like to change your plans and give up the things that are most important to you just to feel like you are back at 17, wondering what you would dedicate your life to doing? This was what it felt like… déjà vu. Praise be to God for getting me through burn-out and the recovery process thereof. He changed the direction of my life for the purpose of me becoming more dependant on Him. I learnt the importance of boundaries, how to heal from past experiences such as war, and what it truly means to live from a heart of rest.
He healed the parts I thought would always hurt… And sure, He is still healing parts of me, and we will never be at the point of being fully restored until eternity, but until then, I know He is still the healer, He is still moving, and He is still very active within our lives if we are willing to let Him be.
So, here I am, at age 25, and still wrestling with the questions that come up in most conversations,
“What are you up to? What are you doing?”
I’m saying this because I know God works in ways I would probably never have chosen for myself, BUT it is so much better. It’s better because I know I am in His will, I am right where He wants me to be, in a place of surrender, in a place of putting Him first. EVEN WHILE NOT HAVING ALL THE ANSWERS or all the direction and security I might have hoped for by now. Sure, there will come a day when I know He will give clear direction and open doors I probably could never have dreamt of, but in the meantime, in the so-called ‘waiting,’ I wait!
I wait, sometimes not so patiently, but I wait trusting God in it. Trusting that if I didn’t walk through the disappointment, feeling misunderstood, the deep sadness within my soul, and perhaps some rejection along the way, I would never have experienced the love, the reconciliation, finding the right people and realising the DEEP DEEP DEEP importance of family. Without my family, without the love, care, and support of my family, I do not know where I would be today. Without friends and new friends along the way, I might not have experienced all that God wanted me to. Without walking the journey I have walked, perhaps I wouldn’t see the fruit that I have seen and continue to see today.
25… although bittersweet, I think it’s actually a blessing to see it in that way because it truly is a time to reflect on your life. Maybe you are turning 21, maybe you are turning 30. Wherever you are in life, God has a purpose, and let Him show you the things He wants to shape within you… Not to cause you more pain, but to purge out the darkness so that His light can enter (1 John 1:5-10).
I might not know how my week will look, let alone know what I will be doing next week or next month, but what I do know is that I am more fulfilled than I have ever been, I am more confident in Jesus that I’ve ever known and more content in His timing for so many things because my character is being challenged so that I may not grow stagnant.
Remember that waiting is a time for being fulfilled… So let Jesus fulfil you. Maybe you are not in a waiting season, but within your current life stage, you are waiting for something; let God be the One to fill that part so that contentment and peace may flow from it... and so that no matter whether the waiting ever ends in your lifetime or not, you are fulfilled in God. Full stop.
So, once again I say, here’s to 25, here’s to 21, here’s to 30, and everything in-between (and above). Let’s dedicate this year to a year of “cultivating intimacy with Him” in everything. May we seek His presence more as we spend more TIME with Him and make Him the most important thing in our lives.
I pray that He leads you in knowing that He FULLY and COMPLETELY satisfies.
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